Broken Womb

Welcome friends!  It's with a ton of joy that I invite you to this space and to our very first story!  I couldn't think of a better way for us to begin sharing the raw, exposed, and even undignified details of our lives together except with this story...and this beautiful friend.  Kirby Kaple is so dear to my heart, a sister in the truest sense, a long-time friend and kindred spirit.  She is known for many things...her powerhouse voice and stunning blue eyes...her work ethic and desire to make things better all around her...but also for something else, something that radiates from the deepest place in her heart...her love for children.  I want to invite you to walk in her shoes as she brings us into the journey and fight to conceive.  May you be blessed by her heart's cry, her truth, and the hope that she clings to.

- by Kirby Kaple

I usually love meeting new people… but lately, I shy away. It’s the same old introductory banter every time. The same questions, the same answers... over and over, again. How long have you been married?  Any kids yet? Oh, just enjoying being young & free, huh? Good for you. Life stops when you have kids anyway.

It’s always the same, give or take a few stereotypical remarks. I dread it. The nonchalant expressions. The predictable back and forth. The normalcy of it all. As if it’s the same for everyone. Marriage, then family. 

I had it all planned out. The wedding. House. Job. Ministry. And yes, family.

At 22 years old, I married the man of my dreams. I had our future prepared and calculated, my mind set on having as many kids as we could produce and all before 30. Rob & I waited to try for children until shortly after our three year anniversary. I still remember everything about that conversation, even the date. The journey of deciding to FINALLY try was such a long, uphill climb. We had debated it for about a year before we felt the time was truly “right.”

It was February 24th, 2012. Over two years ago since we tried for the first time. We were so naive. We swore we were pregnant that very week! Little did we know we were entering a season of baffled heartbreak.

That year, I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). This monster of a condition has MANY, and I mean MANY heads. It can mean complete infertility for one person and simply irregular ovulation for another. Nevertheless, wrapped up in those four letters was a WHIRLWIND of issues I was completely unprepared to deal with. My PCOS is not the worst of it’s kind. I’m actually pretty fortunate and my odds are favorable, given the circumstances and compared to other cases. I’ve seen four doctors and they’ve all said the same thing. It’s just a matter of time and timing. That may sound like good news, and it is, but in the daily process of charting my temperature every morning, peeing on an ovulation test every other day, timing our intimacy, keeping the pregnancy test industry afloat from such frequent purchases, peeing on sticks and reading that intensely dreaded lonely line every. single. time. 

This is my story. Raw, exposed and undignified. This is me. I’m not always so low…but this space is for the truth and the truth I will tell. This SUCKS. This hurts. Having people tell me they’re believing for me, praying for a miracle, having faith for me” sometimes it just slaps the reality right back in my face. I have both deep appreciation and intense loathing for it at the same time. How is it that I miss someone I don’t even know? How is it that I am such a natural mother but can’t seem to have children of my own? What comes so natural to me… I actually may never get to experience. It hurts. 

I believe in the healing power of Jesus. I do. I see Him work miracle after miracle in the lives of so many on a weekly basis. I’ve received healing prayer after healing prayer, prophecy after prophecy that I would become pregnant, and I believe I can be healed. I believe God can reverse my barrenness. I believe, but the prayer, help me overcome my unbelief,  has never been more real. What if I won’t ever be pregnant? What if my dream of a family is just that? A dream. Will I ever get to rock my baby to sleep? Sing to her the lullaby my mom & grandma sang to me? Feel them kick in my belly? See my husband’s temperaments in them? Or my eyes? Or their grandmother's disposition? 

Even though I’m still walking through this valley, this barrenness, the reality that I might not ever conceive… even though it’s still a struggle and nothing has changed and nothing has lifted, I feel my God near. I hear the faint whisper of Hope daring me to dream even still. In the midst of the chaos and confusion, He is my hope.

What I love about God is that He’s good. He’s better than I could ever fear. He is trustworthy, faithful, all-knowing, bigger than my infertility, greater than my doubts and the ultimate fulfiller of all my dreams. I know this. It is more true than anything. My frail moments where I’m most vulnerable look a lot like these words above… but deep down I know my Father and He knows me. His love, His relentless love reaches deeper, wider and farther than I can imagine. This could truly be a catastrophe, but then... there’s Jesus. I’m in the hands of a good God. No matter the struggle, no matter the confusion, no matter the doubt…hope remains, and I build my life upon it.                                                                                                                                        

“Let Hope In” [Song by: Daniel Bashta]

I speak to barrenness
I command life within
Come live you desolate
Spring up you living well

I speak to barrenness
I command life within
Come live you desolate
Fling wide you ancient gates

Healing power flow like a river
Reveal your mending heart
To every tormented soul
Emmanuel come quick to deliver

So let hope in
Open your walls
Hope conquers all

There goes all my doubt
There goes all my pain
On that day you rose again
Sin no longer stains
There goes all my questioning
There goes all my fear
On that day of reckoning
Hope has reappeared

So let hope in
Open your walls
Hope conquers all